Adultery & Abuse ... part 1

This past week I shared a message about building marital trust. As always time slipped away and there were some thoughts I wanted to work in but just never found the angle. So, I thought I should at least blog about them because there are people who are suffering through some nearly impossible situations in their marriages.

I guess being in ministry for over 20 years has made me keenly aware of marital problems brought on by both adultery and abuse. Obviously, scripture teaches us that divorce can be granted in the case of marital infidelity. On the other hand, I have not found it so cut and dry when dealing with abuse. Abuse is in direct violation of Ephesians 5:22-33 and will make it difficult to have true peace in the home. In today’s blog, I want to reach out to those who are in marriages that have been scarred by the wounds of unfaithfulness and malicious acts.

Let me start with adultery. That's easy to identify. When either the husband or the wife has sex with another person that is adultery. And most of the time ends in divorce! Adultery is probably the most painful thing I have had to walk people through in my 40 years of living. The person you love the most on the planet...surrenders the most intimate act God has given to a couple to another person. What an act of betrayal!

I have found it just as painful for both men and women. Men suffer because their tough, macho image is now at risk. Men view sex differently than women. Guys are aroused by sight and the build up of testosterone. They need affirmation that they are the king of the jungle. And much like a lion, they feel utter defeat when another male lion enters their territorial marks. Men want to know they are big enough (sorry for the blatant honesty) and good at what they do.

Husbands have heart breaking questions that they have to have answered when adultery occurs. I have heard men ask...Where? How often? What was he like? Did you orgasm? Was he better than me? Was he bigger than me? To be honest, in every conversation I have had with a man who has been cheated upon the last question seems to come up. I am not saying it's the main issue, but in the male mind it is an attempt to regain the male macho image of himself. He usually brings it up jokingly.

Men don't deal with the emotional effects of adultery very well. The image of his wife having sex with another man is absolute torment. The respect their wives are commanded to give by scripture has been thrown out the window. Honestly, its usually emotional reasons why women cheat. Not enough attention at home, no sense of security, a lack of verbal communication, sex is just sex...it's not love making...no caressing...no foreplay...no real intimacy...just take your clothes off because it's what I want, selfish maleness.

I have found when a woman cheats the marriage is usually over because she has lost respect for her husband and felt it's time to move on. On the other hand, women handle the news of unfaithfulness different than men. As I said before, men and women both hurt tremendously, but they handle things entirely different. Unlike the man who will totally collapse and the world will know. Women seem to hold the moment of confrontation to a more private moment. She may cry in private until she and her husband can mutually stop long enough to put all the cards on the table.

The emotional issues surface first. Unlike the man...a wife wants to know what she did wrong to cause her husband to seek the arms of another woman. Wasn't my cooking good enough, what about the kids, how will I tell my parents, we're going to talk to the pastor. Women will involve all important critical parties because of damage control. She will often let the kids know there is a problem, but will protect them from the fear of their family falling apart.

I have never heard a woman concerned about the size of certain body parts. But, I do know women have body parts enlarged more often than men (in all the times I have talked about marriage that’s the first time I have made that connection). Only concerned that maybe she wasn't attractive enough. Maybe, she let herself go so he sought out a better looking woman. Honestly, men who are cheaters will usually cheat any chance they get...even with a less attractive woman. That's why women will refer to cheaters as dogs!

The pressing issue of an offended wife is the need to know if there is an emotional connection to the other woman. Do you love her? Do you still love me? And, her friends will get involved! Men go it alone after the initial melt down...women gather...and gather...and gather. I have found that women will confront other women more often than men will confront other men.

Women sift through the emotions much better than men in my opinion. The one good thing, if there is a good thing in the messes that adultery creates, I have seen more marriages survive when the husband cheats than when the wife cheats. Because, men who cheat usually aren't looking for anything other than sex. They probably can't make that relationship work either...so they will come back. And, women will seemingly offer another chance.

Finally, don't be dooped into thinking that intercourse is the only act of unfaithfulness. I will never forget the Monica Lewinsky drama. Even though Bill Clinton didn't feel like he was committing adultery, he was...oral sex with other people is sex with other people. That's why it is called oral sex! So you better know what is, is!

People have emotional affairs all the time. Physical touching may never occur, but emotionally you may be seeing someone else. Its called fantasizing!

I will never forget while in Bible college several of us young pastors were discussing whether we would rather live in the Old Testament or New Testament. One of the older men, who had come back from pastoring to get a degree, made an unforgetful comment. He said, " I would rather live in the Old Testament. The only requirement was that I could not commit adultery. In the New Testament, Jesus said, "If we even look at a woman with lust we have committed adultery in our hearts." Even hard looking can get us in trouble.

I believe adultery does not have to be the end of the marriage. But, it will take lots of counseling and accountability to restore trust and all the other emotional hurts involved. A couple of thoughts in conclusion....

* Forgiveness is God's way of dealing with sinful acts. If you choose to forgive and heal the marriage, it cannot be brought up at every given moment and inopportune time.

* Do not try to control or manipulate the guilty party by reminding them of what they did (don't throw in their face) because that could push them over the edge, again.

* Forgiveness is not the regranting of trust. Trust must be earned through an accountability process and proven track record. Keep in mind if they messed up once, they can do it again.

I do pray that your marriage will never be wounded by the dagger of adultery. In the event it has, I encourage you to trust the situation into the hands of God. He is concerned about your hurts. You can trust God with your marriage, your hurts, emotional issues and everything involved in your situation.