Where does the desire go?

I have been doing alot of thinking lately about myself. For the last 20 years I have served in one capacity or another trying to make myself a better pastor/leader. Today as I blog this I recognize by God's grace I have accomplished some pretty amazing things, and at the same time I have failed miserabley in some areas.

For nearly 20 years I have either drawn people closer to Jesus, or totally ticked them off. I realize I am either the kind of person you love or hate...not too many middle grounders out there when it comes to Mike Shroades. That is something I have learned to live with. I have never been one to mix words. At the same time I don't want to hurt peoples feelings.

Ministry causes many pastors to absorb themselves with what others might think if they don't ........

On the other hand, alot of pastors live guarded with the fear of what if someone sees me in this or doing ...........

Let's face it, we are public figures. Not only are we public figures, but we represent the Creator of the Universe....we are Gods representaive in our public lives. By our title alone we tell people that we have high moral and ethical standards bestowed upon us by Almighty God.

As public figures we are public speakers. Our words influence people...and influence is leadership. I have often felt like my words were shallow, and falling on deaf ears. Only to have someone remind me point by point of something I preached years ago.

My life's ambition has always been to be a Godly man, a provider for my family, a blessing to others, a great communicator, and a trusted/respected pastor. At times I have excelled at those goals, and at times I have dropped the ball.

I understand there are ups and downs in life and in the ministry. I know that I will not always say or do the right thing. Heck, you know I don't act right. I admit at times I am lazy, lethargic, tired, unprepared, deceiving, manipulative, annoying and depressed. There are sins I have struggled with since the day I came to Christ. There are times I do things that I know are not socially acceptable considering what I do for a living. And there are times I am totally on top of my game.

With that said...in all the ups and downs I have never strayed from what I knew God has called me to do. But, I have to admit that over the last couple years my desire has fainted. In the last year I have considered stepping down as a pastor every single day.....

I recognize it is due to the tremendous loss we suffered as a church. Also, questioning leadership decisions I felt was best for the church. My main concern is that the will of God was detoured and that has so frustrated me. To the point that I have questioned everything there is to question in kingdom work. Of course, my accountability partners know all that I struggle with, and I will not oblige my critics with all the sorted details.

I really need God to give me a resolve to endure the hardship of this trial, and in His time to restore my passion/excitement for ministy. I will continue to lead and love Christ Life Church...who by the way has been awesome. They inspire me!

My focus has turned to my family. This kinda sabatical has helped me to think constructively, and yet critically concerning things I can do to give them a better life on this earth (and prayerfully beyond this earth). Many times I assumed I couldn't do something without my wife and kids. In reality, I can do nothing without God. My wife and kids are the wonderful perks given to me by my Boss.